16. Switchfoot

One of the few bands on this list I've actually seen in concert, last year at Christmas Conference (and I stayed of my own free will, unlike the year before, when Shane Bernard (Saint Bernard?) and Some Christian Band I Don't Recall came and I had, because of my staff job at CC, to do "crowd control.")

Okay, so I'm going to a full new paragraph for this story, because I've decided to tell it. So doing crowd control at a Christmas Conference concert is really not all that bad, especially considering how much worse it would be to do crowd control at ANY OTHER CONCERT. But still, when you just want to kick back and relax with your friends (especially if said friends don't want to watch Saint Bernard play mediocre strum-worship*), then it is kind of a bummer to have to do this. Anyway, my job consisted of the following: 1) Scan my area of the crowd for people standing on chairs, 2) Approach said people and tell them not to do that, 3) Be sure to do it how Jesus would tell people not to stand on chairs. That is to say, for an entire concert featuring musicians I did not like, I had to be THAT GUY. You know, THAT GUY. Yeah, him. What was especially annoying were the people who would GET BACK UP ON THE CHAIRS RIGHT AFTER I LEFT. If there's one thing worse than being THAT GUY I had to be, it's being THAT OTHER GUY they were being. But most of all, what was annoying was that THESE PEOPLE WERE STANDING ON CHAIRS FOR SHANE BERNARD!!! That's like people trying to form a mosh pit at a Crystal Lewis concert. Enough already. You're not the same as fans of real rock bands. That's okay. That's a good thing. Behave yourselves and enjoy your mediocre Christian popworship as nice Christians would. No shame in that. Stop trying to act like you wouldn't be roasted on a spit and eaten at Ozzfest.

Now, back to Switchfoot. For a long time this band was just the band I knew of as Collin Hansen's favorite. I liked one or two of their songs, I guess, especially Jed Brewer's live punk cover of Let That Be Enough. But then last year happened. Last year was when their latest CD The Beautiful Letdown came out and became all the rage around CCC@NU circles. And wouldn't you know, there were some pretty good songs on there. And then wouldn't you know if they weren't starting to get mainstream airplay. A lot of it, in fact. So yes, I jumped on the bandwagon. But it's a good one.

My favorite songs on the album are the title track, This is Your Life, and (musically, if not lyrically) On Fire. Their radio hits are also solid. It's a good sound. I'd be a little higher on them if Dare You to Move weren't being used as a piece of the media propaganda to turn out the Kerry vote, but then again, maybe I wouldn't.

17. Blink 182

The first time I heard of this band, I swear to you, was on the Jim Rome show. Back in the day (i.e. before two years ago) I never even flipped over to the FM dial, and in SoCal, why would I when you have XTRA Sports 690, the greatest sports radio station in the country, the place where the legendary Jim Rome got his start as a Saturday night host. (He now has a nationally syndicated show, an ESPN show, and has guest-hosted the Late Late Show in the absence of Craig "Don't I Give You The Vague Impression I Commit Date Rape" Kilborn.)

So I was listening to Rome, as was my custom, when he said that joining him in studio would be the official band of The Jungle (another name for his show), Blink 182. Well, since I knew as much about bands as I did about, I don't know, rubber bands?, it didn't surprise me that I hadn't heard of them. They came on, they talked sports, I thought, cool, must be some kind of L.A. rock band.

Then I heard their music and thought, "huh?" I mean, these guys were a punk band, and yet they liked sports. Am I the only one who thought these worlds never mingled? I think of punk bands, I think of kids whose chief concern in high school was smoking weed and repeating grades, the kind of kids who were always picked last in gym class even if they had athletic ability, because the jocks who were always captains already knew they would fake some sort of calf injury on the first play of whatever game it was, then spend the rest of the game leaning against a tree and smoking. So I was bepuzzled.

And for a while, I held it against them. No punk band could actually be good, could they? Their lead singer had a really nasally voice, they seemed like they thought the whole world was a big joke. Maybe they do, I don't know.

But something changed. That something was their self-titled CD, and specifically the song "I Miss You." What a departure. It was haunting, melodic, and made use of an upright bass and/or cello and/or the thing Pete Lawson plays (wait, that is an upright bass, isn't it?) - well, a big instrument with strings. A GREAT song. And then I started paying more attention to their other songs, even their older stuff. And you know what? They are good too. I know, I was as surprised as you.

So, a band that has good music, likes sports, and plays the upright bassoon. Good stuff.

Tomorrow (and/or the next chance I get to actually log onto Blogger), I will post #16 and #15. I would drop a hint but I don't remember what they are.

(And I will anticipate the suggestion - no, I cannot make the posts directly in Carl's blog, for as much as I would like to, there is a character limit.)

18. Pearl Jam

Ah, Pre-Creed! They have arrived at their spot on the list, and they are above Creed! I so wanted to rank Creed ahead of them, just for the sake of annoying Carl, and I almost changed it, but last week on the way home from work, they played these two bands back to back (Higher, a song I like by Creed, and Jeremy, a song I like by Pearl Jam) and, well, my conscience would not allow it. They are just better.

Eddie Vedder (whose name, by the way, sounds like a cross between Velveeta and Cheddar, leading me to envision all kinds of product endorsements like "Eddie Vedder Shells and Cheese" or "Better Vedders" crackers) has a good voice, and he/his band write(s) good songs. In addition to Jeremy, I also enjoy Better Man and Evenflow (which, am I making this up, is a toilet, no?)

So, in conclusion (wow, has this turned into an eighth-grade class essay? yes it has), I have shown that Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder are a good band with good songs and they remind me of cheese and toilets.

The End

Mea Culpa

Okay, so I've been delinquent. I know. Two reasons for this, both equally at fault:

1) I'm lazy/unmotivated. Yes, for much of the past however-long-it's-been, I just have not had it in me to talk about music. See, I like music - like it a lot - but it will always hold a distant second in "ways to entertain yourself on the radio" to sports. Ahh, Sports, how wonderful you are! And in October, with the baseball postseason, the NFL and college football, and of course, golf tournaments like the FUNAI Classic at the Walt Disney World Resort and the Michelin Championship at Las Vegas, I've been a bit distracted.

2) Blogger crashes my browser. Yes, my computer is old (seven years, on its second hard drive), and I don't help things by keeping various Excel spreadsheets and IM windows open at all times. But Internet Explorer on my machine is especially finicky - like an infant who first learns how much fun it can be to spit out everything it is fed, my browser will shut itself down frequently just because it's having to think too hard. And for whatever reason, Blogger makes it think a lot. It used to be about 1 time in 3 that it'd shut down - enough to be frustrating, but not enough to make me give up. Well, now it's more like 4 in 5, which is downright infuriating. The last few days, I've probably made 8-10 attempts to go to www.blogger.com and it crashed every time.

So now I'm on Leslie's computer and continuing the rankings from memory. I remember #18 and #17 so that's what you shall get.

And thanks for the prodding in Carl's comments... I have not forgotten about you, my minions. Daddy's here.

P.S. - The title of this post is Latin. For those of you who are not Latinos, it means "let the buyer beware."

P.P.S. - Really. You thought "quid pro quo" meant "let the buyer beware?" I did too. A common mistake. I looked it up. "Quid pro quo" means "seize the day." Don't feel too bad, it's a foreign language. We all make mistakes.

19. Creed

Oh so much good stuff with this band.

First of all, my favorite Creed story includes a shout-out to my boy Scott Mitchell, who managed to live an entire year with Andrew Ooms and Jonny O (both great guys but whose taste in music is, well, different than mine by quite a bit) and even had the courage to put a truly hideous poster of Scott Stapp up on the wall. Now it's common knowledge that Scott Stapp believes himself to be the Messiah, but this poster was the photographic proof. Short of being up on a cross with a crown of thorns, there couldn't have been a pose he took that was more simultaneously Christlike and creepy. His 1990s shirt open a little too much, he leaned over as if Jesus were saying "let the children come to me" and beckoned to his fans. It's an amazing piece of artwork; I miss seeing it greatly.

My other favorite Creed story is that, in my music infancy, I once inadvertently referred to Pearl Jam as "that band that sounds like Creed" in front of Pearl Jam fan Carl, producing a hilarious response of indignance. This led me, naturally, to repeating that claim often through the years, to the point that Pearl Jam became known to me simply as Pre-Creed.

I am not sure what it is about this band, with the exception perhaps of Scott Stapp's propensity to go shirtless and act like he's about to become the substitutionary atonement for the sins of mankind, that so irks people who have more highbrow musical tastes. I'm willing to be informed. As far as their music goes, I really really like it. Great melodies, their rabboni has a great voice, and their overall sound is very good. I seem to have a vague notion that they used to be popular, but then somewhere along the line they became everyone's favorite band to rip on. Well I for one will take a stand and say I LIKE CREED. I LIKE CREED A LOT! I WISH THEY WERE STILL TOGETHER! I WISH ALTER BRIDGE HAD NOT BETRAYED SCOTT OF NAZARETH IN THE GARDEN WITH A KISS AND HANDED HIM OVER TO THE CAREER OF SOLO ARTIST!

The countdown will continue this weekend with #s 18-17. Stay tuned...

20. Nickelback

Well, I'm back. After a longer-than-originally-expected break, the rankings resume. I should explain myself. First, I went to a wedding and was out of town for four days. Then, I got back, and as often happens with me, having lost all momentum for the countdown, I failed to re-start. But you can once again look forward to my witty and incredibly well-supported cases being made for the rankings of these bands.

Starting with Nickelback, the band of Crazy Canucks who like to pretend they're all badass, when in reality we all know better. I mean, seriously, has there ever been a greater dichotomy between the image a band was trying to go for, and that of what their public (even their fans) knew to be true? Chad Kroger and Co. are trying to come across as dark, disturbed, deep, and dangerous. Meanwhile, their songs continue to get played on the mix stations whose primary audiences are 30- to 45-year old women.

They're like the guy who's always trying to pick a fight to prove how tough he is, only the big, tough guys just laugh. Can you imagine what would happen if they got into a skirmish with another band, say, Godsmack?

NICKELBACK: 'Sup punks. You wanna rumble, eh?
GODSMACK: Are you serious?
NICKELBACK: More like are YOU serious... ly ready for some pain?
GODSMACK (laughing hysterically): Oh, that's a good one. Go back to spending six hours a day on your hair.
TRAPT: Back off, I'll take you on! I'm HEADSTRONG, I'LL TAKE ON ANYONE!!!
NICKELBACK: I was talking to Godsmack. Shoo!
GODSMACK: Yeah, besides, Trapt, it looks like your Mom is here to give you a ride home.
(TRAPT rides off in a minivan)
(SYSTEM OF A DOWN enters and eats NICKELBACK and GODSMACK)

See, it would be awesome.

As far as Nickelback's music is concerned, I've really enjoyed all of their radio singles, although the rest of their first album is pretty mediocre. They're ranked this high because of the rocking nature of How You Remind Me, which due to overplayedness, has probably lost its novelty on you, but if you liked it once, return to it some time and try to listen to it afresh. It's good stuff.

Brief Hiatus

Just to warn you, it's highly likely the countdown won't resume until next week, Monday evening most likely. Now that we're getting into the top twenty I really want to do these bands justice and not just spit something out. In the mean time, feel free to entertain yourselves by thinking of all the hilarious ways you could dress up a monkey for Halloween. (I'll get you started... get 7 chimps and dress them as the castaways from Gilligan's Island!)

21. Incubus

This band brings to mind the single worst sounding band I've ever heard. A band named Succubus. They MUST have been doing it on purpose, being as bad as they were. Back when I lived in Phi Mu Alpha, my roommate Joe Boecker used to take special glee in looking for truly terrible, awful, laugh-until-your-sides-hurt things on the internet (midgets, mullets, hideously ugly people, etc.), and one evening he came across this really horrible band called Succubus, the sounds of which would still haunt me in my sleep if not for the repressing.

Why tell this story? Because I enjoyed it. It has nothing to do with Incubus except, of course, for the linkage in their names. Incubus is a band that has improved greatly, if their most recent spate of radio singles is to be believed. Their earlier singles, such as Drive, were solid and listenable but nothing spectacular, certainly nothing warranting a blackjack ranking. Then came Megalomaniac and Talk Shows on Mute, two fantastic rocking songs that make me think this band has either reinvented itself, or has taken to choosing much better radio singles. My hypothesis is the former, but the latter is possible as well. Alls I know is, this band now officially rocks.

Tomorrow we begin the elite of the elite, the Top Twenty. Every band from here on in I would classify as excellent in some way or another, many of them excellent in all ways. I'll do two a day for two days, with a long weekend break to travel to a wedding, then pick it up again next Monday. (For those of you in Evanston or going to the Klinkner-Wilkes wedding, I hope to see you this week/end... I'll be at Real Life barring some sort of major traffic, and around E-town Saturday night late.)

Meanwhile, here are the twenty bands that I consider the best of the best, in alphabetical order. Any surprises?

Audioslave
Barenaked Ladies
Blink 182
Breaking Benjamin
Chevelle
Creed
Dashboard Confessional
Disturbed
Evanescence
Foo Fighters
Goo Goo Dolls
Jars Of Clay
Linkin Park
Nickelback
Nirvana
Pearl Jam
A Perfect Circle
Staind
Switchfoot
U2

...

22. Smashing Pumpkins

Wow has this band grown on me. When I first heard their music, I disliked it immensely. As is the case with most bands, the first thing I listen for is an aesthetically pleasing voice from the lead singer. Usually, if he/she/goat doesn't have one, the band is cast into the fires of I Dislike Them, never to return. I say usually because of the Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan's voice is, well, unique. It doesn't fit the pattern of the standard "rock star" voice, much less the standard "singer" voice. (Heck, even the standard "person whose neck doesn't have a hole in it as a result of smoking a carton a day for 50 years" voice.) But somehow, some way, I dug down deep and managed to give this band a second chance. And I discovered that they are incredibly talented, their songs have depth and nuance, their melodies are great, their instrumentation is superb, and when all of that is going on, why Billy's voice somehow... fits. I don't know how to explain it, but it works. (His follow-up band, Zwan, or as I call them, Zmazhing Pumpkinz, did not work the same way. Choose your future projects carefully, Billy.)

I am sure that Carl can tell you a lot more specific reasons why SP is so great, as they are at least one of his favorites if not his very favorite. You can ask him for said reasoning by posting a question to his weblog, linked at left. As for me, I'll laud the special contributions of Tonight, Tonight, the song that brought me in and remains my favorite, and continue on.

P.S. - This argument should not be construed to in any way mean that Radiohead, Coldplay, The Darkness, etc. could be really good if I just gave them a second chance. No. NO! Those are Tom Selleck's beans. They've had theirs.

23. Fuel

In spite of the fact that they make a really boring video, they are good. (I mean, seriously, WHOSE IDEA was it to make a video whose subject matter was "the recording of this song." Are we not in 2004 by now? Have we not moved PAST this? I'm not saying you have to get all The Darkness on us, but come on, Fuel... how about at least some semblance of a new idea?)

Falls on Me and Bad Day are two very high quality songs that happen to be the only Fuel songs I'm decently familiar with, but they're enough. Rock.

24. Dishwalla

They had one big radio hit - Counting Blue Cars - back in the '90s and it wasn't until the last couple of weeks that I heard it. It was solid. But that's not the reason why this band reaches this lofty perch. As with many of the bands on this list, I was introduced to them by one of my roommates, in this case, Jed. As we all do, Jed has bands that become his music du jour (mmm, that sounds good, I'll have that), and Dishwalla was just such a band this spring/summer, as he frequently listened to their album Opaline. I am very glad he did.

Their sound is different from many of the bands that I really enjoy, but it's a good, refreshing kind of different. In fact, it's mifferent. It's softer, mellower, almost ethereal - all words that don't normally fit with my taste in music. Words I've probably used AGAINST bands like Radiohead. I'm not sure what the difference is - oh, I know I like their melodies, their lead singer has a good voice, and their overall sound is compelling - but there's something more there that I'm neither sophisticated nor musically aware enough to articulate. But it's good stuff. My guess is this is the band that has the best chance among those in the top 25 to be popular with folks who really like the bands at the bottom of these rankings.

Opaline is on my list of albums I want to procure at some point, and most if not all of the songs on it are excellent. Worth a listen.

25. Skillet

Uh oh, one of them thar Christian bands that went secular and lost their salvation. Well, maybe not quite. Their hit radio single is, after all, called Savior, and its bridge repeats "You need me." My guess is they wouldn't get along too well with Live.

You know the song has to be good when the local DJ introduces it by saying "And, what do you know, Christian rock that actually rocks... I like this band, believe it or not." And so do I. I'd heard some of their earlier stuff via Joe Boecker (a shout out to the guy who's been a fan since before they got all big and popular), and liked it okay, but this new single is significantly better.

Finally, I am very appreciative of all the fan feedback I've been getting, even those of you who have disagreed and/or told me to take my medication. I think others would love to hear what you have to say as well. Others like whom? CARL PETERSON WANTS TO KNOW!!! Yeah he does! Let's follow the example of our good buddy Morbo and post comments on Carl's blog! It's linked to the left and you can just post your thoughts by clicking on the link at the bottom of his most recent post. It's grand fun!

Tomorrow or Sunday we'll keep marching forward with four more bands, including a band that's gotten better with age and a band that's grown on me a lot in the past year or so...

26. Jimmy Eat World

When I was making this list, there were several songs on the radio that I had heard a few times, but since I'd never caught the name of the artist, I could not rank them. I was okay with that. Flashes in the pan, said I. Not going to make the cut anyway. I proceeded with the list and was all set to go with Jimmy Eat World in the early- to mid-40s, a solid ranking for a band whose work was, for the most part, solid if unspectacular.

Then one night I heard one of those up-and-comer songs, but this time, the DJ identified it... and it was Pain, by Jimmy Eat World! What? That song ROCKED, and it could not be from the same band who pranced and danced their way through The Middle and other fluffy if listenable fare. But it was. And folks, if you have not heard it, you ought to. It is a GREAT song. It's singlehandedly responsible for an almost-20 spot hike. It may force me to buy their latest album just so I can have that song. It's that good. I had no qualms at all about jumping them above the bands I did, and unlike other new songs that I may have lost interest in quickly, this one is going to last. I can just tell.

Look at me, I'm turning into a shill for an emo band. Seriously, though. Good schtorf.

27. Live

Ah, Live. The staple of mid- to late-1990s alt rock. The bastion of listenability. The pseudospiritual ones with the WORST band name of the 100 on this list. (Yeah, that's right, Alter Bridge, you're up to 99!) A great sound, especially in I Alone and All Over You. However, I must debunk something:

I have heard it said that Live's songs, specifically their last radio hit Heaven, while not overtly Christian, display Christian undertones or messages. Granted, not from strong theologians, but it's been put out there. This is false. The lyrics to the chorus of Heaven are as follows:

I don't need no one
To tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter
And I believe
I don't need no proof
When it comes to God and truth
I look at the sunset
And I can see

Now, these lyrics COULD be interpreted as some sort of generally positive take on general revelation and the existence of Heaven. Then again, lots of things COULD be interpreted certain ways. The Darkness' music COULD be interpreted as not emanating from the pit of Hell, but we all know that's not true, and neither is this song about general revelation. No, I prefer to call it the "Anti-Evangelism Song." Imagine if the message of this song were sung by Trapt (see entry #87)... with slight modifications it becomes:

Back off, I don't need no one to tell me about heaven!
I'll take you on, I look at my daughter and I believe!
I'm headstrong, I don't need no proof!
I'll take on anyone, when it comes to God and truth!
I look at the sunset and I can see that this is not where you belong!

Yes, I think we've just come up with a great new radio hit, Heavstrong by Traptlive! Mmm.

(In spite of that rant, I do like their sound.)

28. System of a Down

It's best not to even try to understand their lyrics. They make less sense than most of the posts I put up yesterday. Still, in spite of the fact that they're pseudomilitantly hardcore anarcholiberals, they still know how to rock. Toxicity is a solid song, even if its central message has something to do with eating seeds. (Am I wrong to be bewildered?) Chop Suey uses a lot of theological symbolism, but, as is the case with most rock bands, it signifies a whole lot of nothing. (Oh, I'm sure System wants to believe it means something - but it doesn't. Trust me. They're escapees from an asylum.) Their best song is Aerials, a haunting and spooky song that makes beautiful use of contrasting volumes, sounds, and instrumentations throughout, and really builds. It's a fantastic song. And hence why these fugitive anarchist lunatics can be ranked this high.

(Slight bonus points as well for their cover design for their most recent album from a year or so ago... if you don't know what that was, you should look for it; I won't spoil it by describing it.)

29. Godsmack

After reviewing my last post, I realized that by the end of both writing it AND reading it, I had completely forgotten that it was presumably about Stabbing Westward. My apologies to any Stabbing Westward fans out there who feel they got shortchanged.

I am sure I need not make similar apologies to Godsmack fans, what with their music being all over the radio like the cream cheese on the bagel I ate this morning when I absentmindedly kept spreading cream cheese on it until, uh oh, that's a lot of cream cheese! My favorite of their songs is from their older batch, Straight Out of Line. But most of the new stuff is solid too.

Okay, that's the end of this marathon session (#36-29 were posted in one sitting!). Tomorrow, four more bands, which range from totally (and possibly criminally) insane to Christian to pseudospiritualbutiwouldargueactuallyantichristian. So good times ahead. Maybe I'll even talk about the bands themselves. No promises.

Incidentally, no, I did not scrape any of it off the bagel and back in the container. It was delicious the way I accidentally made it.

30. Stabbing Westward

What Do I Have To Do? and Save Yourself are two rocking songs. I would like to thank Steve Brennan for introducing me to this band, as well as this band for rocking. I will not succumb to the temptation to use the rest of my acceptance speech to stump for a cause, but I will say that the President has lied to us about his intentions behind the invasion. You know what I mean. Just this calendar year he promised we were going to invade Mars, and have you seen even ONE troop land on Mars? EVEN ONE?!?! Have any of those passenger jets that apparently can now fly to space taken any civilians to Mars? ANY OF THEM?!?! What are we doing still messing around in Iraq when THE MARS PEOPLE ARE BUILDING UP AS WE SPEAK, MOUNTING AN ATTACK ON EARTH AND AMERICA?!?!?! Let's vote for John Kerry - he'll move us closer to that hallowed sci-fi inevitability of a world government and only then, with the world united behind some farcical Esperanto-speaking socialist hippie regime, will we be prepared to defend Earth from Mars and/or fulfill enough prophecies to facilitate the return of Jesus Christ for his millennial reign. KERRY/EDWARDS '04. Because we're one step closer to Heaven.

I just realized that in my last post I promised Gravitas. That lasted long, huh?

31. Stone Temple Pilots

Double dose of Scott Weyland. DOUBLE DEUCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, time to turn down the nonsense meter. Take a breath. Inhale. Exhale. Whew. I'm back. For now.

Plush is a rocking song. I mean, for serious. There is no disputing this claim. I defy you to dispute it. DISPUTE ME YOU FILTHY IRISHMAN! Okay, calm down, Adam, no need to bring ethnicity into it. Stop dissociating, there are people watching. (Bring it, punks.)

I must roll off these last two quickly, friends, for my ability to rein in my nonsense is becoming impaired, and while this may be entertaining to you, I have a Dodgers playoff game to get ready for in less than an hour, and I need to be on my game to cheer them on. I can't be yelling "STAVE IT OFF, BELTRE! 1, 2, 3! NOW YOU CAN COUNT TO THREE!" and expect them to mount a series comeback. Time for some gravitas...

32. Counting Crows

Some bands you like initially but after hearing them more you grow to like them less. Saliva, Seether, Alter Bridge are all in that class for me. Not that I dislike them now, but they've peaked. Other bands, and this tends to be the classics (says something about their abilties, I suppose) grow on me. Such as this band.

When I first heard them, I thought they would be boring, but then I tried them, and I like them very much.

(ANYONE?!?!)

Truthfully, Duritz's voice took some getting used to. At first I always got them confused with the Black Crows (but never Sheryl Crow). Then my most salient association was hearing Duritz sing "My life is full of squirrels" in some live track and watching as Dave became unable to contain himself with laughter for the rest of the evening. Good times. I saw them on Letterman and thought they were okay, not great.

Then I moved in with Jed Brewer. (Yes, lots of stories turn on that sentence, but this is not one of those kind of stories :-) Jed's a fan. And by hearing them frequently over the course of two years, now, so am I. They write GOOD songs. Lyrics that manage to be clever and artistic without being pretentious. Sharp, sharp guys. And good melodies. The voice thing is still there a tiny bit - he doesn't have the ideal lead singer voice in my opinion - but it's not enough to drop them in my esteem. Unless you consider 32 a drop. But we're up in the upper third here, people, and believe it or not, this means I like a fair number of bands. I know, shocking.

P.S. - Is it insensitive if I ask what race Adam Duritz is? Because he looks like a white guy with a black guy's hair. Or is that on purpose? Maybe he just never uses shampoo? Maybe he bought a wig? Theories? Post them on Carl's blog!

P.P.S. - I'm not counting that Shrek 2 song. Nope. To borrow from Bill Simmons' appraisal of Rocky V, it never happened.

33. Soundgarden

Outshined and Black Hole Sun are great tunes. Chris Cornell is a great singer. Really a good rock band. Truth be told, I can't much tell the difference between them and Audioslave, at least in how they sound (number of songs I really like, now that's a different story). I know that's probably an underhanded rebuke at the Rage boys, but so be it.

We're moving fast since I've got two days' worth of updates to do, so on we go...

34. Temple of the Dog

Again, only know one song. Hunger Strike. Also know Eddie Vedder is the lead singer. Like them a lot. What's it been, 12 years since they existed? Doesn't matter. Great song.

35. Velvet Revolver

They're new, and I only know one song, but it's a good one. Fall to Pieces. I'd tell you to check it out, but you've probably heard it. It gets played a lot. I mean A LOT. I still like it. Stay tuned.

36. Green Day

So I guess technically they're probably not the fathers of punk. It's probably The Clash or The Cure or whatever the heck that band from back in the day was called, or some other obscure band all those people like Jack Black in High Fidelity know about that REALLY knew how to take it to the man before these posers showed up, but whatever. As far as I'm concerned, they're the band that spawned all the rest (good and bad).

And they're good. Very good. Maybe not so-great-they're-legendary (even if they are legendary), but solid. Clever lyrics that you can actually understand (one of the nice things about punk music is that you don't usually have loud garbled noise drowning out the lyrics), good melodies, a timeless quality to them. And even though American Idiot is very overrated, that's not enough to deter me from giving this band a thumbs up.

By the way, does a punk band go through the same evolution as an indie band does? If they become too popular, do their fans abandon them and accuse them of "selling out" (in punk cases, to "The Man," in the case of indie bands, to "some nonspecified nothing-object that would require articulate thought on the part of the accuser in order to identify that, truth be told, does not exist" - wait, I guess that's the same thing as "The Man")? Or what happens when Green Day turns 50? Do they continue to hide the fact that they're probably turning just as conservative as their peers, or do they keep up the facade? See, so often with hip hop or rock bands we don't have to answer these questions since most of the band members end up dead, and those that still perform might as well be. Just wondering.

37. Bush

The President has a band, and it's darn good. Good for him, I say! Has a hobby!

That's my favorite Bush joke, and I will be saddened if Kerry is elected because I won't be able to use it anymore. (That probably ranks about #3 on the list of reasons why I'd be sad if Kerry won, incidentally, the first two having something to do with "it wouldn't infuriate the liberals" and "I'd have to hear people who annoy me on television much more often.")

As for the band itself, I'm a very big fan of Glycerine and Comedown, though I don't know too much of their other stuff. I think this is one of those bands that could easily be ranked much higher if I owned their music and gave it all a listen.

Oh, and my favorite Bush-song edited lyrics, from Comedown, are:

I don't want to come back down from this clown
It's taken me all this time to find out what it means

Whenever I post these, feel free to sing along with the altered lyrics the next time you hear the song. I guarantee it will make the listen much more fun, no matter what the song is.

And if anyone has their own favorite lyrical alterations (they can make sense or NO SENSE WHATSOEVER), feel free to post them in the Comments section of Carl's Weblog, linked at the left.

Tomorrow, the classic genre-defining band I promised yesterday (forgot I was only doing 4 a day, not 5), plus a couple of bands whose lead singers appear further up the list with other pursuits.

38. Three Doors Down

I'm not entirely sure that this isn't a country band in disguise, but for now I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt since When I'm Gone is such a good song. However, churn out a few more like that or Here Without You, and we may have to challenge the ruling on the field.

Incidentally, for anyone who may actually own their CD(s) and know more of their songs, are all their songs about being gone and/or here while someone else is here and/or gone? Are they going to do a cover of the Goo Goo Dolls' Here is Gone next? Just wondering, since, technically speaking, the lyrics to When I'm Gone and Here Without You are, in fact, identical.

39. Lifehouse

Hanging By A Moment is their signature (aka only one I know) song, and it's a good one. Their lead singer has a good voice, they mix it up nicely between verse and chorus (contrast within a song is good, ahem ahem, The Calling), and their emotion-laden bridge holds up much better on repeat listens than Alter Bridge's.

40. Eminem

How can I not include the man who invented rap music?

I kid, of course, as saying something like that around someone who actually likes rap music is liable to get you a beat-down. I don't like rap music. I just like Eminem. He's vulgar and violent, but he's smart and he's hilarious, and he may be the highest ranked artist based almost exclusively on lyricism. If only rappers could help rock stars write lyrics. Marshall is, incidentally, the funniest person I can think of who has never, in his entire life, smiled. Seriously, try to picture him smiling. TRY I SAID!

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Okay, now that we've dispensed with the entire genre of rap, we can move on to...

41. Dido

First I heard of her was when Craig Kilborn was obsessing over her on national TV. (Incidentally, how great is it that "Craiggers" is off the air and that, five years from now, so is Leno? The only sad thing is that now Conan is destined to fall prey to the same trap that Jay did, and will spend the decade of the 2010s being groanworthy and non-funny. It's the nature of the beast. He deserved better.)

Anyway, she did a song called Thank You which Eminem sampled/dueted (dueted?) and got more and more exposure, and now, she's all famous. I really like her song about how she will not go down with this ship (is it called "White Flag?"), but mostly because Jed changed the lyrics (in case you haven't caught on, this is basically what we'd do for fun all the time, change the lyrics into offensive or nonsensical, or both) from:

There will be no white flag above my door

to:

There will be no pirate flag above my door

A minor change, perhaps, but subtlely brilliant, one that changes the whole connotation of the song (suddenly the "ship" is not metaphorical but is a real life pirate ship, of which Dido is the cap'n - Y'arrr!!!), and it is now known to me simply as "The Pirate Song."

Plus she has a really good voice. But mostly, The Pirate Song. Is why. She's ranked this high. Shutup, I can write sentences when I want to.

Coming soon, the Top 40. I plan to slow the pace to four a day for 40-21, then two a day from 20-11, then one a day for the top ten.

Tomorrow, a legendary band that influenced many of today's flavors of the week, plus an artist who invented an entire genre, nudge nudge, wink wink...

42. Alter Bridge

Okay, this band was in the Top 25 when I first made the list. And they've slid to here, and may slide lower. How could such an evolution occur for a new band that has just one radio single out?

Let me take you there:

When I first heard the single, I heard the verses at the beginning and thought "wow, this is good." The lead singer had a good voice, the melody was strong, the lyrics okay, and the overall sound was excellent. Could Post-Creed actually top Creed?

Then I heard the end of the song. Again. And again. And I realized that this great song might actually suck. Have you heard the end of Open Your Eyes? It's got to be a good two minutes without lyrics. Just guitar solos and, mostly, the lead singer going "oooh ooooh OOOOOOOH.... aaaa-AAAAAAAA-ahhhhh.... aaahh aaaah AAAAAAAAAH... ooo-OOOOOO-ooohhhhhhhhh..." Seriously, Post-Creed, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!?!?!?! You may have ruined a great song and made it a channel-changer (I already change the station halfway through the song.)

And, while we're at it, this is easily the worst band NAME of any in the top 100. I could pull two random words out of a dictionary 20 times and come up with AT LEAST 19 better names than this. In fact, I will:

Runner Gentleman
Lay Shaman
Think He
Palpable Louder
Perhaps Capitol
Theocentric Mistress
Vacationing Quickly
Answerable Policy
Emotion-laden Panic
Seize Heaps
Fishers Genesis
Instance Sock
Wine Coach
Fourth Doomsday
Mislead Pie
Transcendent Ladies
Head Features
Abrogate Feather
Misfortune Tiger
Allegiance Caught

Now try to tell me that any TWO of those names are worse than Alter Bridge. Go ahead. I dare you.

43. Matchbox 20

There's nothing derogatory I can say about this band that The Onion didn't say better a couple weeks ago, so I'll just say the following:

1) This ranking is as high as it is based solely on the strength of If You're Gone.

2) Robbbbbbb Thomas' voice becomes more annoying by the year. Any theories?

44. Hoobastank

Ah, here we go, a band we can sink our teeth into. This band is truly hit or miss for me. The highlight of their work is Crawling in the Dark, a song that is appealing throughout, strong melody, and the vocals incomprehensible enough in the verses that the lyrics which are no doubt vapid don't interfere.

Surrounding Crawling in the Dark are songs like Running Away (which Jed, AHos, and/or Carl hilariously renamed "Why Are You Acting So Gay" with the bridge "I don't want you / to put your hand on me / we are both men / can't you seeeeee")... I guess that last part doesn't make sense if you don't know how the song goes, and offends you if you're, I don't know, decent, but pressing on...

The Reason was their latest song, a triumph at first that was beaten to death by radio DJs and MTV VJs who fawned all over their creative video like it was Carson Daly saying something interesting, and thus I no longer like it.

The rest of their singles are mediocre.

And yes, I know that Carson Daly has never said or done anything interesting. Give me a break, it was a metaphor.

45. Sarah McLachlan

Okay, I have to admit, I am not sure how she slipped onto this list, but I only discovered my error yesterday, and there was no way to correct it. I think she has a good voice and I can't recall a single one of her songs. Let's just skip it.

46. The Calling

PERFECT! A band that, while I like them, I can say plenty of nasty things about! Let's dive in...

THEY HAVE NO SONGWRITING ABILITY! Their hit song, Wherever You Will Go, has ascended to hit status in spite of the fact that they wrote ONE succession of notes/chords, changed slightly how it would be sung, and repeated it OVER and OVER and OVER until the requisite three minutes thirty seconds had elapsed and it could be packaged as a radio single. The verses and the chorus are EXACTLY THE SAME. Only the lyrics change. This makes it one of my favorite songs to sing along with in the car, simply because I can do it in round form. Observe how it would go, keeping in mind that all couplets are sung together, and that you might not get it if you don't know this song:

THE CALLING: So lately
ADAM: If I could

THE CALLING: Been wondering
ADAM: Then I would

THE CALLING: Who will be there to take my place
ADAM: I'll go wherever you will go

THE CALLING: When I'm gone
ADAM: Way up high

THE CALLING: You'll need love
ADAM: Or down low

THE CALLING: To wipe those shadows off your face
ADAM: I'll go wherever you will go

And here's another thing... this song, what is it about exactly? As best I can tell the message of Wherever You Will Go is "if I die, I will haunt you in all of your future romantic pursuits." That's definitely high up on the creepy scale, especially for a song that is popular on the mix stations (aka with women, no offense ladies). I mean, if it was even one degree creepier it'd be eligible for airplay on country stations. As it is, it's a song that makes me laugh with anticipation any time I hear the first few notes played on the radio. It's great.

And the thing is, when you get right down to it, I like the song. I should probably be ashamed. But there you go, I put myself out there.

Tomorrow, five more, including a band that's hit or miss and a band whose recent hit single vaulted them way up in my estimation when I first heard it, only to have them sliding down with every successive listen...

47. Default

Wasting My Time is a very good song. I bet this band could be ranked higher if I knew other songs they'd made, and liked them as much. As it is, they fall this far because the higher we go, the more there needs to be either one phenomenal song or many very good ones.

I really miss my vitriol, by the way. I will try to think of something, anything, nasty to say about the next band. As I write this I have not yet looked at my list to see who that is, so this will be interesting...

48. Red Hot Chili Peppers

Concert attire aside, this is a band that, most of the time, I can get into, though for whatever reason, sometimes I just want to turn them off and throw them out the window (how it's possible to throw sound that's already been turned off out a window is a topic for another day, but here's a hint: Science + Magic). They have a very distinct sound, a lead singer who has the ability to sing fast songs precisely enunciated, and they are smart enough to write songs that play to that strength. While all of their songs have a general Chili Peppers feel to them, they don't get lost all sounding the same - By the Way, Californication, Other Side, Give It Away, Can't Stop - all these are their own songs (ahem, ahem, Offspring). Overall a solid band that can get annoying if they're played too much or I'm not in the mood.

49. The Ataris

I only know one of their songs, and it's a cover, so the ceiling for this group is pretty low. They do a cover of "Boys of Summer" originally written by one of the following (I think): Don Henley, Don McLean (the songwriter), Don McLean (the ex-UCLA basketball player), Don Ho, The Beatles, The Beach Boys, The Beastie Boys, Bette Midler, Ben Veneer, or Whiteheart. I don't really know who wrote the cover, and why should I? It comes from the vastest of all musical wastelands: THE PAST! So that's as irrelevant as just aboput every other musical thing that happened before approximately 1992.

Whoever wrote the original (Slayer?) wrote a good song, and The Ataris have made it very catchy and listenable thanks to their solid performance. It doesn't exactly ROCK but it's a fun song. I'm pretty sure it was written by Bigg Nife.

Grammatrain?

50. Tenacious D

I was torn about whether this band should even count. I mean, are they even considered "music?" Yes, technically they make music, but it's just as much comedy as music, and certainly the reason I (and most people, I imagine) enjoy them is because they're funny, not necessarily great musicians.

Jack Black and Kyle Something (he was in Elf!) make up this "band," and the sole reason they're ranked here is because of "Tribute," a hilarious song about their roadside encounter with a "shiny demon" who commanded them "play the best song in the world or I'll eat your souls!"

Well, I'll spare you any more of the details since if you haven't heard the song (or seen the hilarious video with cameos by Dave Grohl and Ben Stiller) you ought to do that without further delay. And without further delay, I will move on as well...